Bamboozled by beer queues? Can’t remember how to pitch a tent? Tell your woes to the good Professor…
SEND IN YOUR QUESTION BELOW:
Name:
Email:
Question:
 
I'm off to Reading for the first time this summer and I’m freaking out about the toilets. I know crap toilets are a part of the whole festival thing, but are they really as bad as everyone says?
Katie, Guildford
Ah Katie. This reminds me of the old adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar, only with disinfectant and old crap replacing the other stuff.

Reading toilets are the Herculean labour that failed to make it into the textbooks. Unless you don’t mind diving into the campsite bushes every time nature calls, the key is to be quick, breathe through your mouth and bring your own toilet paper.

While clean toilets do exist (generally far, far away from where anyone can actually find them so explore), you’ll have to use the ones in the main arena at least once. Thursday and Friday are alright, but by Saturday they defy description, especially the ones by the main stage, so for God’s sake don’t start mainlining cider or you'll spend all your time there.

If you have wiles, use them to chat up stewards, vendors, bands, anyone with access to private facilities. Do not, under any circumstances, pitch your tent in the vicinity of a toilet. You will kick yourself when you wake up two days in and promptly pass out again. Good luck, and don’t forget the Charmin: you’ll come through this experience a better person, honest.
I haven’t had sex in a very long time. I’ve heard that even Anne Widdecombe could get laid in a festival. Is this true, and if so could you send me her phone number?
Jay, Cambridge
Wash more, really?, if you drank enough and no.

As it’s been a while since you had a lower-body workout, you’re probably quite desperate. With that in mind, take condoms to festivals and use them: don’t keep them back in your tent because that’s stupid, and won’t be any help when you’re being feverishly groped in the bushes.

If you’re going to dabble in booze and other substances, remember that beer goggles and sexual Sahara don’t add up to pulling Bette Davis. Still, whoever she is has ended up with you, so cut the poor girl some slack.
I’m not a particularly fussy person – sometimes I leave my socks on my floor instead of putting them in the laundry basket! – but I really dislike the idea of getting dusty, or muddy, as people have told me is to be expected at a music festival. My new girlfriend Sandra wants to go to a music festival this summer because she thinks I need to “unwind” and “chill out”, but the idea of getting muddy and dirty and having to sleep in a tent surrounded by her socks is making me feel quite sick. I don’t want to let down Sandra, because she’s a big girl and might hit me, but how can I stay clean for a whole three days?
Anthony, Huddersfield
Anthony, you’ll be glad to know that the majority of festivals now have showers on-site specifically for anally retentive little pricks like you.

I think what Sandra is insinuating is that she would like to feed you cheap speed and beer for three days in an effort to get you so screwed that you won’t care about the fact that you’re wearing odd socks and I sympathise with her valiant efforts entirely.

If you’re worried about her hitting you, just drink some 20/20 and you won’t feel a thing. The strawberry variety is particularly anaesthetising.
Kerrang! recommended festivals
Q recommended festivals
Kiss 100 recommended festivals
Check out all the action from the summer’s top events, see if you and your mates have been spotted, then send in your photos and we’ll put them up right here.
Whatever you’ve got to say, we want to hear it! Call
0207 182 8933 to rant, rave, confess, share or wibble and you could be part of our summer podcast.
Take hundreds of songs with you this summer on the Sony Ericsson W810i Walkman phone, plus get all your pics with the 2 mega-pixel camera. Check it out!
Please click here for Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy,
This site is best viewed with the latest Flash Plugin